10 Office Restroom Rules

Inspired by the ranting post here, I would like to state my position on the subject. It seems as though, in some offices, we share the restrooms with two year olds. When you step up to a urinal and have to straddle the large puddle of pee you begin to realize that people you work with, who seem to have it together in the office, are completely incapable of obeying simple rules that we all should have learned at an early age. No, you should not pee on the floor and create an obstacle course for the next person to use the urinal. No, you should not take calls and conduct business while sitting on the pot. No, you should not take a huge explosive crap and leave it there unflushed. People never cease to amaze disgust me!

Here are some more dos and don’ts for Bathroom Etiquette.

1. Pee in the toilet – Does this really need to be said? Apparently. It’s a bathroom, not an obstacle course. Next time you pee on the floor, expect to have someone come to your office and pee on your shoes. Everyone who steps in your pee ends up tracking it back to their desk, or wherever else they go.
2. Flush the toilet – Assuming you’re past the potty training stage, and I’m not your father, you should know to push the little lever on the toilet after you’re done dropping whatever stinky loads you have after your double bean grande burrito with extra toxic sludge.
3. Leave business outside – The bathroom is not your office away from the office. Don’t bring your laptop or briefcase into a stall with you and try to get work done. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t talk on your cell phone! Nobody wants to listen to your conversation and the person on the other end of the phone just thinks your an asshole when they hear the toilet flush.
4. Have some courtesy – It’s called a courtesy flush for a reason. That turd you just dropped off in the pool stinks! If you’re not willing to courtesy flush and risk getting that nasty ass shower, bring some deodorizer in with you!
5. Clean up – Treat the bathroom better than you treat your home’s. Just because you don’t ever have people coming to visit you and can get away with leaving your bathroom a mess, doesn’t mean you have to subject the rest of us to your socially inept qualities.
6. Don’t talk to me – In the bathroom, I’m not your friend. I’m not your buddy. I don’t even know you. Even if you are my boss. I want some privacy and I’m not there to socialize. I want to do my business and get on with my life. Whatever you have to say to me can wait until we’re both outside.
7. No neighbors – In a bathroom with three or more urinals or stalls, don’t take the one right next to me, and don’t take the one in the middle so I have to be next to you. It’s more comfortable for both of us and we can enjoy the experience – separately.
8. Wash your hands – Haven’t you seen one of those shows like Dateline that investigates gross things like the amount of feces on door handles or office equipment? No? Do you live in a cave? In case you haven’t, trust me on this, it’s gross. It’s even more gross when they touched the doughnut you just ate.
9. No stalkers – Don’t lie in wait, ready to pounce on that occupied urinal or stall as soon as the door opens. Think about how embarrassed you’d be if you just finished your business with all of the accompanying noises and smells, to open the door to your coworker standing there.
10. Its good to be the boss – While we hope every boss follows these rules and understands why they’re important, we will all probably experience the ones who don’t. It’s generally not a good idea to try and enforce any of the aforementioned rules when your boss is involved. A pleasurable bathroom experience is not something to risk your job for, especially in this economy.